


Senbazuru

by crumplelush



Series: Andreil Week 2019 [5]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Cancer, Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 16:10:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19771777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crumplelush/pseuds/crumplelush
Summary: Neil is dying and he only has one wish.





	Senbazuru

**Author's Note:**

> Day 5: cartoon | cats | **paper crane**
> 
> Title literally translates to "one thousand paper cranes" in Japanese.

It is said that if one folds one thousand paper cranes then ones wish will come true. Neil isn’t sure about that, but it’s fun to imagine anyway. Neil had nothing better to do in hospital, and he managed to make 300 before he’s recovered enough from his transplant to be released. He has another fifty at home and he plans to get to get his thousand before he dies. 

He’s nearly to 600 by the time he meets Andrew. He’s in a cancer support group. He doesn’t find it helpful at all, listening to other patients whine about their misfortune, but his nurse had gone the extra mile to get him into the group, and he’d feel bad if he didn’t give it a decent amount of time before he stops going.

He’s about three weeks in when he notices the blonde man dressed in black join them. Although it’s not easy to miss him. He comes in 20 minutes late, carrying a Frappuccino and noisily slurps at it while everyone else is talking. He also flings himself into the free seat next to Neil and keeps looking at him throughout the meeting. Idly Neil wonders if he’s got something on his face.

Afterwards Neil is helping himself to the free coffee when the rude newcomer walks up to him and says “lungs”.

Neil looks to his side. The man is piling a paper plate high with free cookies, leaving the oatmeal and raisin and taking all of the double chocolate chip. He’s not looking at Neil, but no one else is near them so it’s clearly him that’s being addressed.

“Leukaemia” he replies as the man turns to face him – slowly, so that his cookie mountain doesn’t topple.

The man whistles. “That’s like, the jackpot of cancer. Congratulations.”

A laugh startles out of Neil. “Thanks. Lung cancer isn’t too shabby either. Heavy smoker?”

“Ten a day since I was 15. Andrew”, the man says, shoving three cookies into his mouth at once.

“I’m Neil” he replies, amused despite himself.

Andrew is different to everyone else here. For one thing he’s about the same age as Neil – early twenties – whereas everyone else is at least twenty years older. He also looks truly bored to be here, the cookies being the only thing he’s shown any interest in, other than Neil himself, the entire time they’ve been there. Everyone else looks miserable and about three seconds away from crying. That is, if they’re not already snivelling into a tissue.

They fall into an easy companionship. Andrew has been a long-time attendee of the group, and had only missed Neil’s first few weeks due to being in hospital for treatment.

“Lobectomy” he muffles through a mouthful of birthday cake. It’s not anyone’s birthday but Andrew had seen the sheet cake at Walmart when Neil had been collecting a prescription. They’re on the roof of Andrew’s building, stargazing. They’d formed a quick friendship and had spent every day together. Andrew attempting to give himself diabetes to go with his cancer, and Neil folding his cranes. He was now at 750.

They’d parcelled out information about themselves over the last few weeks. Andrew explained that giving up smoking had been hard, and sweets were a way to keep the cravings at bay. Neil is sure that Andrew would be the size of a house if he wasn’t getting sick constantly from the chemo. Neil had explained the cranes, and how he hoped to get to one thousand.

Unlike Abby – Neil’s nurse who had taught him how to fold cranes – and literally everyone else Neil spoke to, Andrew didn’t tell him not to talk like that. He didn’t care that Neil treated death like an inevitability. He didn’t patronise Neil at all.

Neil had explained his childhood to Andrew. Being on the run from his violent father. He listened patiently when Neil told him that his cancer was a relief in a way – now his father was never going to get the chance to kill him. He’d won, in a roundabout way. Andrew had understood. He’d shared his own violent childhood, the terrible foster families with fathers and brothers who didn’t understand the meaning of the word. Andrew too had never expected to live to adulthood, and thought that he’d used up all his luck getting out and finding his family. Of course it was running out now.

Nicky and Aaron were a mixed bag. Nicky was friendly and welcoming, seemingly relieved that Andrew had made a friend outside of his family unit. And pleased that said friend was sharing his experiences. Aaron viewed Neil with suspicion. Andrew had told Neil what had happened one thanksgiving at a family reunion gone wrong, how Aaron had saved him, and since then Aaron had been distrustful of any man that talked to Andrew. Neil was certain that had he not had Leukaemia and been visibly unwell then Aaron would have punched him by now. Especially the morning he stumbled out of Andrew’s room wearing his clothes, having agreed to stay over the night before long after Aaron and Nicky had gone to bed.

Neil has just finished making crane number 761 when Andrew smacks his arm for attention and points up at the sky. There’s a comet streaking across it, so Neil closes his eyes and makes a wish. _I wish this could last forever_ , he thinks. He turns to Andrew to say something and is surprised that Andrew’s eyes are closed. Andrew isn’t superstitious at all. He’s accepting of Neil’s foibles, but doesn’t partake himself. This is unusual.

Andrew opens his eyes and looks at Neil. There’s something in Andrew’s eyes, a look, that takes Neil aback. He looks conflicted.

Andrew speaks. “So, uh. We may not have a lot of time left. And it’s pointless to waste any of it on what ifs, so here goes. I like you Neil. And I’d like to kiss you. If you want to.”

Neil feels giddy. He’d been wondering what it would be like to kiss Andrew. He knew Andrew was gay, but didn’t think he’d be interested in Neil. “Yes, I’d like that” he says, and smiles as Andrew’s mouth twitches.

He leans forward and brushes their lips together pulling back to give Neil a chance to pull away, but Neil follows him. A thrill shoots up Neil’s spine. This is so much better than any other kisses he’d had. Andrew is gentle but firm. He tastes like vanilla frosting and hope. They make out for a long time before Nicky knocks on the roof door and tells them they’ve been out for a long time and it’s getting cold.

Neil could happily spend the night out here, but he doesn’t think his or Andrew’s doctors would approve so they head back downstairs. Neil stays the night again – Aaron scowling once again when Andrew blandly informed him. Neil spends the night happily curled up in Andrew’s arms.

Neil has just gotten past 850 when Andrew gets the news that he’s in remission. The lobectomy and chemo have done their jobs and he’s completely cancer free for the first time in two years. He celebrates it by having dinner with his brother, cousin, and Neil in a nice restaurant downtown. Nicky orders him two desserts and they toast to good health with glasses of sparkling water. Aaron manages to keep his temper on a leash for the evening.

Neil gets up to 900 cranes when he gets the news that there’s nothing more the doctors can do for him. The cancer has spread and it’s in his bones. It’s not a case of _if_ now, but _when_. They give him the choice of continuing chemo to extend his life by a little while, or quitting now and enjoying what little time he has left.

“The important thing”, the doctor says, “is making sure you’re comfortable”. Neil spends the night crying in Andrew’s arms. For the first time in his life he had something to live for, and it was now his body had decided to give up on him. It wasn’t fair. Andrew didn’t point out that life wasn’t fair. He didn’t say anything. Just held onto Neil as he wept and raged and ranted himself hoarse.

He decides to quit chemo, to spend as much time as possible with Andrew. He moves in with the cousins. It takes them a remarkably short time to pack up his belongings from the shared apartment he rents in the bad part of town. When he’s finished it’s just a duffle bag and his rucksack.

He spends a day by himself, sending Andrew off to spend time with his family, while he sees a lawyer and writes up a will. He also spends some time in a funeral home, making the arrangements for his own death. He doesn’t want Andrew to have to do it.

He spends the nights teaching Nicky how to speak German to impress the co-worker he has a crush on, teaching Aaron how to beat Rainbow Road, and teaching Andrew how to fold paper cranes.

Neil has just broken 900 when he decides he wants to have sex with Andrew. He talks to his doctor during an appointment, and gets told that as long as they’re careful there’s no reason they can’t. He gets to 910 before he can suck up the courage to ask Andrew, and he’s at 925 by the time Andrew managed to convince his brother and cousin to disappear for the night.

It’s wonderful, amazing, beautiful. Andrew is gentle and passionate and Neil feels so loved. It’s everything Neil could ever have wished for. Afterwards, Andrew cries. “I can’t bear to lose you”, he says, and Neil’s heart breaks. He hates himself for leaving Andrew like this. He hopes Andrew can move on, can be happy without Neil. If anyone deserves it Andrew does.

“Cancer was the best thing that ever happened to me. Without it I wouldn’t have found you”, Andrew says, and Neil cries too.

He gets to 950 when he gets the call from the FBI that his father is dead. Neil smiles viciously. He outlived his father, his father had no hand in his death. That’s a victory in his book. He celebrates with Andrew on the roof, exchanging kisses between bites of cake. Someone is letting fireworks off downtown, and the sight is beautiful.

There are 973 cranes strung up around Andrew and Neil’s bedroom when Neil stumbles, hits the ground and doesn’t get back up again. Aaron finds him while Andrew is in the shower and calls 911 while administering first aid and yelling for Andrew.

Neil is not well enough to leave hospital. He’s getting sicker and weaker each day, although he continues to make his cranes. He has his own private room, and the nurses put up a camp bed for Andrew, who refuses to leave his side. Aaron and Nicky visit each day, bringing clean clothes, books, and food that hasn’t been boiled in a hospital kitchen.

Neil has made 997 cranes when his fingers stop working properly. He can’t feed himself, clean himself, go to the toilet by himself. Andrew helps him with all of these things and glares at Neil when he suggests that Andrew shouldn’t be wasting his time on Neil when he could be doing anything else.

Andrew helps Neil make two more, his hands on Neil’s. Guiding his fingers into place, his palms over the backs of Neil’s hands. They’re shoddy, all wonky looking like they were at the beginning, before Neil had gotten any good. He manages to shakily number them with a comically large pencil Nicky had bought as a gift when Neil complained about not being able to hold pens anymore. They’re a mess, but they’re Neil’s.

Neil has worked his way through 999 cranes when he passes away. He was in Andrew’s arms, in Neil’s bed against doctors orders. Andrew had been telling him a silly story about how he’d learned to drive and Neil falls asleep in his arms. Andrew continues to talk, knowing Neil found it comforting, and stroking his hair. Andrew had also fallen asleep and was jolted awake by the lunch lady knocking on the door. He glanced down at Neil and realised he wasn’t breathing.

He hadn’t been hooked up to any machines. Had a DNR notice on his record. Still Andrew feels cheated. Feels like they should have noticed, should have brought him back. Should have stopped him from dying in the first place. Stopped him from leaving Andrew.

He’s aware that Neil had left instructions for his funeral, so there’s not much for them to do. Neil explicitly forbade them from wearing suits, wanting them to be physically comfortable at least. Andrew wears the outfit he was first wearing when he met Neil. No one else is there. It’s just Andrew, Aaron, and Nicky. Neil’s nurse had wanted to come but couldn’t get the time off of work. The funeral is in a crematorium so no priest to give religious speeches, and there are no songs. It’s very quick and perfunctory. Very Neil.

Before the coffin is taken away Andrew reaches into his pocket and pulls out a large, misshapen, terribly made paper crane. Neil deserved his one thousand cranes, his wish. That he had only just fallen short of his goal made Andrew angrier than he’d ever been. Hadn’t Neil deserved that at least? He hadn’t wanted much. Not immortality, not wild riches. Just the chance to make his cranes. And he’d been denied it.

Andrew angrily scrubs the tears from his eyes as he places the final crane into the coffin with Neil. “I’m sorry it’s not better, but it’s the best I could do on short notice” he whispers. The officiant nods approvingly and the coffin disappears behind the curtain, taking Neil away forever.

Andrew breaks. He collapses and is helped out of the crematorium by an openly weeping Nicky and stoic Aaron. He’s so angry. He wants to burn the world to the ground and salt the ashes. He wants to punch someone. He wants to destroy. But all he can do is cry tears of anger and frustration.

A week later they go to collect Neil’s ashes and there’s a letter for them, telling them to go to a lawyers office downtown. They arrive and there’s a sealed letter for Andrew to read later, and the lawyer tells them in a very bored tone of voice that they are the sole inheritors of Neil Josten’s estate. Which turns out to be close to a million dollars.

Shock doesn’t cover it. Andrew had figured that Neil had money, since he was paying for his treatment and hadn't had a job. He just hadn't realised how much. The lawyer reads an open letter from Neil, explaining that the money is for Aaron to go to med school like he’d always wanted. For Nicky to follow his dream of backpacking around Europe. For Andrew to live his life. They leave and head home in silence, Andrew clutching Neil’s ashes to him like a teddy bear.

At first Aaron and Nicky try to refuse the money. They say it should be Andrew’s and Andrew’s alone. But Andrew tells them that refusing Neil’s literal dying wish is an asshole move, and even if it’s Andrew’s money what he wants to spend it on is his family. It takes some time, but by September Aaron is enrolled in a prestigious school Andrew refuses to learn the name of on principle, and Nicky is somewhere in Hamburg flirting with the locals.

It made no sense to continue renting, what with all of Neil’s money in his bank account, but he cannot stand the thought of moving out of the apartment he’d shared with him so he tracked down the landlady and made her a generous offer, which she had accepted. He’d also splurged on a brand new Maserati. Neil had once joked about buying Andrew one when he’d seen him looking at one in the street one day. Andrew likes the idea of Neil fulfilling the jokey promise he’d made back then. After these expenses there wasn’t much left over, but it was enough to live on without Andrew needing to find a job to keep the lights on.

Andrew’s grief is a heavy thing. Thick and despairing. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be over Neil. He doesn’t ever want to be. On the anniversary of Neil’s death Aaron and Nicky come home and spend the day with him. They don’t do anything in particular, just watch shitty movies and order pizza. But they’re together, and Andrew appreciates that.

After they’ve gone to sleep Andrew sneaks out and climbs the stairs to the roof with the urn containing Neil’s ashes. He watches the stars and talks to Neil, telling him how much he misses him. He takes out the unopened letter that has been in his pocket for the last year, and starts to read. It takes him several attempts to finally get through it, but he does in the end, before he carefully folds it and puts it away for safe keeping. He waits for the wind to pick up, and removes the lid from the urn, scattering Neil to the wind. “I love you” he says as he watches Neil dance in the air. Then he pulls out a cigarette and lights it up, as he watches Neil blow away.

**Author's Note:**

> Jfc what is wrong with me? I was literally sobbing while writing this. I originally planned on them both surviving and everything being all happy and yay, but of course the fic didn't turn out that way. 
> 
> Loosely inspired by the story of Sadako Sasaki.


End file.
